Dear Jane: From a Woman on Behalf of Men

The long, long, awaited sequel to my Dear John post.

Before we delve, I must state, this is based on my opinion, as well as many a conversation with friends. So ladies, what Do you do when faced with certain ‘John’ scenarios?

Bearing in mind that there is no one best approach and men are different…here’s a man’s perspective through a woman’s lense.

Lesson 102

1. Keep calm and stop nagging. That dreaded word “nag”, women would much rather call it complain. I suppose there is a problem of differing views here, but either way, men don’t dig it. Consider brushing some things off and weighing things out before addressing them. Think, is this worth causing a ruckus about? What could this lead to? In no way am I suggesting you settle for mistreatment, your feelings are very much important, but consider how you communicate this and in turn he will too.
2. Silence isn’t Golden. Speak up, men are not mind readers, they are straight thinkers. I have listened to multiple girlfriends complain about their other halves. Telling your friend makes no difference. If you hear yourself say ‘NO I wont say anything, there is no point’! Think, surely if you take the right approach and break down what is wrong, a man is more likely to listen and try to understand. No silent treatment, no throwing jabs, nor the infamous ‘attitude’ needed. Instead express what you would have preferred. He can only compromise if you share, and the sooner you share the sooner you both will be happy.
3. Let me Lead. Now we all love a manly man, but we also love our independence. Getting this balance right is key for both John and Jane. I appreciate this one can be slightly tricky. Modern day independent strong women, hear me now, you are very much your own woman (I bet anything he loves that about you) and rightly so your opinion, needs and feelings are paramount.  Just remember that his views and opinions are just as important as yours. Trust his judgment, listen to his views, let him provide where he is able and show your appreciation along the way. He wants to feel of value to you and in turn you should be valued too.
4. I am unique. Do not compare him. Do not generalise. If at all anything, in Your eyes he should be special and rightly so. A simple way to think of this, turn the tables. Dare he compare you to another?
5. My time is My time. Ever thought, he would rather spend time with his friends, or watch football, or just even be alone rather than be with you? This is not even worth a moments thought. See men are programmed to need space, I like to think of it as recuperation time. This is almost a necessity for him to regroup his thoughts in order to reengage. Not just with you but with most things in his life. Most importantly, he doesn’t really expect you to devote All your time to him, after all absence (in the right dose) does make the heart grow fonder. And if that doesn’t console you, John also wonders what you are up to when that ‘space’ is in play. And if THAT doesn’t console you…Darling, you are his solace. No friend or sport can provide what you can.
6. I am human. He has emotions too, he hurts too and equally he would like to be comforted. Men just show it differently. Be his support system, be his ‘go to’ when thoughts he may not necessarily share in detail with you are weighing him down. You should be his happy place and vise versa.
7. I love a challenge. Men love to be intrigued. Keep him on his toes, have intelligent conversations with him, show him your playful side, your weakness…but never let him take you for granted, ever. He does not want to feel like he can sit back or walk all over you and he should not. Your confidence and self respect only highlights your worth to him. That’s part of the reason why he chose to be with you. Exude that confidence!
8. Love is Patient amongst other things… Relationships require patience and kindness. Having patience is key in a number of situations; be it during a fight, or when you are both upset, or when it comes to willingness to share personal stories, or making changes to things you both don’t like, or in simply making efforts to keep each other happy, the list is endless. Patience and timing is key, be patient with him (vise versa) and  in time no situation will be insurmountable and the benefits you both will reap will be endless.

Now, to say this is a definitive view of a man’s wants in a relationship would be a lie. For starters, I am no man and secondly every human being is different in their own way. I could hold onto this post as a draft for ages just trying to encapsulate a man’s mind and it would never get published. 

However, what is definite, is that not one single point above does not hold true at some point or the other in every relationship in our lives.

xoxo

Dear John: From A Woman on Behalf of Women…

A woman will Always treat you like a priority, until you treat her like an option! ^Ponder on this^

I mentioned in my last post that I’d come across an amazing article in The Stylist magazine about the infamous use of “I’m fine” by women and how it’s viewed by men.

And thus I found the inspiration for my next 2 blog posts. Although initially intended for females, I figured not to leave the male readers out! So this ones for you fellas….

Why the heck are women so complicated ??!!! ‘Arghhhhh’ you exclaim!
You’ll find that in fact, we are quite the opposite. Perhaps you create the complications for yourself?

Ok ok so I’m not meant to be having a dig at you, neither do I intend to. Truth be told, I’m here to give you some tips. Nothing more, nothing less (my loyalty remains with my girls of course, but in hopes of helping you keep her happy, as we love you dearly….I’ll share)

Lesson 101:

1. Never Ever tell a female to calm down. Good intentions you may have, but I’m sure as you’ve found, women respond opposite to this. Telling a woman to calm down, be she angry or not only aggravates her. Simply put don’t do this! Try paraphrasing. Whatever you do, steer clear of those two words. More so as a lot of time you might find she was actually already calm.

2. When a woman says ‘I’m fine’. Bearing in mind the context or your deep gut feeling that you’ve done something she doesn’t like…..Run Forrest Run!!!! Lol…okay I kid. Firstly, she is NOT fine. Dependent on the type of female she is, she is doing one of two things. She has chosen to move on (I.e. Ignore temporarily till she can take no more) or She is just Not ready to speak. Tread carefully.

3. Biggest mistake after point 2, or generally speaking, Do Not Ignore Her! If a woman cares enough to pay you any mind, your presence, be it in silence till she’s ready to speak will say a 1000 words. Perhaps then break the silence with a joke or whatever you know makes her giddy! This doesn’t necessarily mean you get a free pass, but you’re a step closer.

4. Admit you’re wrong. There is nothing more appreciated than honesty (this also relates to if you’ve been lying or done something you know she’d hate). A woman’s heart melts when a man is strong enough to admit his weakness. She may be mad, but she’s more likely to forgive you sooner than later. DONT be silly enough to state your good behaviour JUST because she doesn’t instantly show appreciation of this.

5. I’m sorry. This means nothing if you don’t mean it and use it so freely. Your woman knows you well enough to know the truth. She wants you to understand why she’s upset, not try to silence her with meaningless words.

6. Listen wisely. When she’s mad, when she’s sad, when she’s glad…..key point. “I think one of the best feelings in the world is when someone remembers something you said. Whether it was something from yesterday, a week ago, a month ago. It’s just like WOW!”. This is a woman’s mind.

7. She feels so much, has so much emotions, I can’t deal! I’m a man!…Fair enough men aren’t so expressive of their feelings. Least not all. It’s hard dealing with that. Not knowing what a person is thinking, how they are feeling, what they really want…do you have all the answers to this in regards to a female? Yes. Because she speaks, she expresses. Nagging as it may seem to you, within that lies all the answers. Her likes, her dislikes, her weakness, her trust, her love…ever think sometimes she’s overwhelmed with a 1000 questions you haven’t answered by expressing yourself? Women Live Off Emotions. If you can’t be weak with her, next stop is….your boys? Express yourself, she loves to know.

8. No is no.Women are polite. We respect that it is difficult for you to approach us. Be it to ask her on a date or express your feelings. Just don’t make the mistake of being a guy who becomes a nuisance as he mistakes a woman’s niceness for interest or feels she should do a certain thing because he wants it. Women have a mind of their own, if she wants you she knows, if she doesn’t, she don’t and if she don’t like it she won’t. Don’t be forceful.

9. Don’t expect her to play her part if you forgot your lines. In other words, if you slack off in your relationship or how you treat her, don’t expect you will get the best out of her. Women are responsive beings. We love to be loved and in turn, Love. Time waits for no man. Neither does a good woman. Everything you give in you get out. This brought Chris Browns ‘Loyal’ song to mind lol, NOT, that I am in support of women using men for materialistic things nor cheating as the song implies. But in terms of affection and reciprocity, um why would these girls be loyal if you aren’t?

10. Every woman loves a bit of romance from Prince Charming. Treat her right. She may not live in a fairy tale world or a movie as you can clearly see, but whose to say you can’t make her feel as special as she should? Fight for her, speak to her, check on her, treat her, have fun with her, understand her, be patient with her…..Put your three favourite words to action…Love her!

There is SO much more I could divulge. Lesson 102? 😉
Yes, women are complicated. Math is too right, as is life….but you were built to deal with complications. She bothers to take the time to argue because she cares, she fights because she’s fighting for something worth fighting for…My point is women aren’t crazy (only when we want to be lol), we’re all different, but pretty much want the same. You get the little things right, the big things won’t even matter.

Next, from a woman on behalf of….men? That should be interesting!

XoXox