The long, long, awaited sequel to my Dear John post.
Before we delve, I must state, this is based on my opinion, as well as many a conversation with friends. So ladies, what Do you do when faced with certain ‘John’ scenarios?
Bearing in mind that there is no one best approach and men are different…here’s a man’s perspective through a woman’s lense.
- Keep calm and stop nagging. That dreaded word “nag”, women would much rather call it complain. I suppose there is a problem of differing views here, but either way, men don’t dig it. Consider brushing some things off and weighing things out before addressing them. Think, is this worth causing a ruckus about? What could this lead to? In no way am I suggesting you settle for mistreatment, your feelings are very much important, but consider how you communicate this and in turn he will too.
- Silence isn’t Golden. Speak up, men are not mind readers, they are straight thinkers. I have listened to multiple girlfriends complain about their other halves. Telling your friend makes no difference. If you hear yourself say ‘NO I wont say anything, there is no point’! Think, surely if you take the right approach and break down what is wrong, a man is more likely to listen and try to understand. No silent treatment, no throwing jabs, nor the infamous ‘attitude’ needed. Instead express what you would have preferred. He can only compromise if you share, and the sooner you share the sooner you both will be happy.
- Let me Lead. Now we all love a manly man, but we also love our independence. Getting this balance right is key for both John and Jane. I appreciate this one can be slightly tricky. Modern day independent strong women, hear me now, you are very much your own woman (I bet anything he loves that about you) and rightly so your opinion, needs and feelings are paramount. Just remember that his views and opinions are just as important as yours. Trust his judgment, listen to his views, let him provide where he is able and show your appreciation along the way. He wants to feel of value to you and in turn you should be valued too.
- I am unique. Do not compare him. Do not generalise. If at all anything, in Your eyes he should be special and rightly so. A simple way to think of this, turn the tables. Dare he compare you to another?
- My time is My time. Ever thought, he would rather spend time with his friends, or watch football, or just even be alone rather than be with you? This is not even worth a moments thought. See men are programmed to need space, I like to think of it as recuperation time. This is almost a necessity for him to regroup his thoughts in order to reengage. Not just with you but with most things in his life. Most importantly, he doesn’t really expect you to devote All your time to him, after all absence (in the right dose) does make the heart grow fonder. And if that doesn’t console you, John also wonders what you are up to when that ‘space’ is in play. And if THAT doesn’t console you…Darling, you are his solace. No friend or sport can provide what you can.
- I am human. He has emotions too, he hurts too and equally he would like to be comforted. Men just show it differently. Be his support system, be his ‘go to’ when thoughts he may not necessarily share in detail with you are weighing him down. You should be his happy place and vise versa.
- I love a challenge. Men love to be intrigued. Keep him on his toes, have intelligent conversations with him, show him your playful side, your weakness…but never let him take you for granted, ever. He does not want to feel like he can sit back or walk all over you and he should not. Your confidence and self respect only highlights your worth to him. That’s part of the reason why he chose to be with you. Exude that confidence!
- Love is Patient amongst other things… Relationships require patience and kindness. Having patience is key in a number of situations; be it during a fight, or when you are both upset, or when it comes to willingness to share personal stories, or making changes to things you both don’t like, or in simply making efforts to keep each other happy, the list is endless. Patience and timing is key, be patient with him (vise versa) and in time no situation will be insurmountable and the benefits you both will reap will be endless.
Now, to say this is a definitive view of a man’s wants in a relationship would be a lie. For starters, I am no man and secondly every human being is different in their own way. I could hold onto this post as a draft for ages just trying to encapsulate a man’s mind and it would never get published.
However, what is definite, is that not one single point above does not hold true at some point or the other in every relationship in our lives.